I Get by With a Little Help From my Fiends

Fiends are like friends, but less boring.

I have long abandoned the idea of having friends. When I was younger, I felt insecure about not having a lot of friends. Shit, even still today I get a little jealous of people who are always posing with new and equally hot people on their Instagram. I mean where do all these attractive people come from exactly and how do they always manage to find each other?! I feel like Newton tried to explain this phenomena at one point, what was it The Law of Promotion? Every hot person has an equal and opposite attraction to other hot people and they all promote their generally pleasing aesthetics? (to be fair I avoided physics classes more than I avoid the question “what are we?” with guys so I’m probably completely off base). Maybe I’m thinking of The Secret, Law of Attractiveness? Who really knows but all I can say for certain is that there is some cosmetically inclined factor at work in the cosmos that bring all the sexy people together.  

However, as much I used to and still may crave the idea of having a multitude of friends, I’ve come to realize that I really don’t want friends.

I want fiends.

What is a fiend exactly? A fiend is someone who tolerates your bullshit and goes as far as to encourage it. A fiend is right behind you when you’re doing well, but more importantly is ready and willing to supply a random piece of furniture to sacrificially break when you’re not doing to hot. Fiends are like your ride-or-dies, but with a little more of a penchant for pandemonium.

A fiend texts you back immediately without question or hesitation when you say “I want to invade the swampy pastel nightmare that is Miami and convince a 30-something-year-old divorceé hottie to buy us a boat”.

“I’ll look at flights”.

You see, fiends are the ones that encourage you to simultaneously be your best and baddest self. Notice how I didn’t say worst, which is totally intentional- fiends don’t really want you to be your worst self. Actually quite the opposite- fiends want nothing more than to encourage your successes, more so than regular friends.

On the surface, fiends seem like your typical ballbusting friends- they poke and prod you in good fun and are usually there to support your wild and crazy ideas. But unlike many friends (and I speak from experience) fiends are usually the ones who are there to check you when needed. They don’t hold back the truth, because they know that they would be doing a disservice to you. They will tell you when that dress does make you look chunky, if the guy you’re seeing isn’t good for you, if you probably should put down the bottle, and if you are just a little insane.

And that’s why fiends are the best. Fiends are there for the rollercoaster of  life and are usually the ones buying the overpriced photo at the end because you’re making a stupid face in it. But they will proudly frame it and hang it up in public view because an ugly photo of you is worth more than 100 perfectly framed and lighted selfies.

I’m thankful for the fiends in my life, because they’re the ones that helped me get my shit together, but also because they always encourage me to be my most outrageous and entertaining self.

So always remember- fiends support your schemes!