I’m Too A.D.D. to Find My Zen

According to Buddha, “What we think we become” -so basically I’m screwed.

From Adderall to nothing at all and everything in between, I cannot for the life of God get my thinking straight or my life organized. I’m not joking when I say I’ve tried it all- from herbal teas to yoga to ASMR to soothing candles, I can’t calm the chaos in my cranium. It’s a tornado up there, and even as I am forcing myself to sit down and write this piece I keep getting distracted by my Amazon Alexa.

Alexa, search “products to help me get this damn blog post done”.

I always get jealous of the super fit yoga gals on Instagram that promote mindfulness, well-being, zen lifestyles, and body wraps that make you look like an NJ deli sub in the mid section. To me, they are the epitome of “having it together”. I crave that lifestyle, they just seem so composed and have skin that never ages- how the hell do I achieve that for myself? My skin fluctuates faster than my mind does! And they’re always put together, with their cute little yoga pants with palm fronds and their sheer strappy crop tops with motivational sayings like “Heavily Meditated” (yeah I needed to reread that one too before I bought it). I mean the best I can muster is some Walmart leggings with a hole on the inner thigh and a makeshift tank top from a free shirt I snagged in college. Don’t even get me started on their preachings about serenity- each carefully posed photo is accompanied by either a short quip or damn near blog post about the importance of practicing well-living, self-care, and balance.

I tried being a ~yogi~ at one point in my life- and by yogi I mean I attended the free community classes on Sunday mornings feeling strung out with my super-fit roommate by my side encouraging me through the pain of twisting my body into positions that to me seemed more reminiscent of a page out of the Kama Sutra. You want my left leg to go where? At least buy me dinner first, damn.

As I sat there being told to set my intentions, don’t eat that leftover pizza today, and having to chant to center my breathing, ohmmm, ohmmmm, ohhhmmmmyyyygodddd did I leave my straightener on?! I couldn’t help but think, will I ever find balance in my life?

All my life I’ve been repeatedly reminded of the impact that my A.D.D. has on myself and others. Whether it was taking too long to complete a school assignment, curbing my impulse control issues, or being told to focus for just one second and slow down, my A.D.D.has been a constant reminder of how different my mind works.

I’m not just trying to be on brand with my usual self-deprecating humor when I say my mind is tumultuous, it really is a mess up there.

But no matter what remedy I try, the end result is never calmness. In fact, my mind becomes more chaotic as I become more frustrated with the lack of results from said remedies.

For the most part, I’ve learned to run with it and lean in to my ever-racing brain. For one, it helps when it comes time to problem solve- oh we need a ride home because we missed the last train? Easy, we’ll just Uber to this train station and make a mad dash for the platform and we’ll make a different train home without splurging on a full-on Uber ride. My A.D.D. also gives me super-trivia powers as I can hold onto obscure pieces of information like I hold onto near-dead candles. Can’t figure out the name of the actor in that movie where Jack Nicholson is president? Yeah that’s the 1996 cult classic directed by Tim Burton Mars Attacks homie, and it’s sadly one of my favs. And the best part about being A.D.D. is the creativity, baby! Because my mind takes me to weird places I’m able to come up with new and interesting ideas for writing pieces, it’s an endless factory of content!

Maybe one day I’ll get it together, but if my track record shows, I’ll only be able to do so for a short period of time before I get too distracted by….. Oh an email sale for Amazon books!

Alexa, add “Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics” to my cart.


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